Negative Cool

It's been a while, and it will probably take a bit for me to get back in the swing of things. As I write this, I'm fighting a hangover (yes, from yesterday, still) so allow me a bit of slack to get rolling again.

Today, I talk about one of my favorite things to hate. UFC. Let's start at the foundation, shall we?

Ultimate Fighting Championship. I'm going to have to say that this is quite possibly the most unique, and fitting names for this event. For example, if we called it Awesome Fighting Championship, it doesn't quite have the same ring. Additionally, we would be left with the feeling in the back of our mind that somewhere out there, is an even more awesome form of fighting championships. However, the good people at UFC have taken care of this problem, making sure that there will be no chance at mistaking UFC as the ultimate one.

Also, this name was tailored to work only with UFC. You couldn't make the name work with anything else, the people at UFC have made sure of this. For example, you couldn't take something as mundane as say. . . typing, and make an ultimate championship. That would be preposterous. Don't even try to trespass on their creative genius.

Most of us (even myself, regrettably) had some point in our lives where we thought professional wrestling was awesome. At its core, professional wrestling is simply a soap opera with interludes of fake fighting. Each character in the ring has their own back story, there are good guys, and bad. The audience generally has favorites, because maybe they agree with said actor's stance on global warming, where his opponent who he will soon be body slamming comes on stage spraying aerosol cans in every direction.

UFC is the same deal. Each fighter has their background, their "unique" fighting style, and this keeps announcers employed because they can sit and talk about how Johnny's Snake and Whirlwind style of kickjitsu will inevitably triumph over Tom's Crouching Cloak Snapback technique because of the inherent disadvantage it has when put in a ring against Johnny. The buildup is so strong, the anticipation to see how the match will unfold is palpable before either fighter is even in the ring.

They then circle each other. The crowd holds their breath, waiting for one of them to make a move. 30 seconds later, they're both on the ground, playing wormdigger.

So, what do we have here? We have professional wrestling, without the acting (I do not claim that the value of professional wrestler's acting is very far above zero, but it's something), and without the showmanship. In trade, we gain two grown men sitting on their opponent's face, punching their crotch.

As with most entertainment mediums, people love to become experts on the subject. Since UFC involves "real" fighting, those who are loyal followers of the competition immediately become definitive experts on the subject of martial arts. Let me, to the best of my memory, recall a monologue I overheard a fan of UFC say a few months ago.

Unfortunately that's about all I remember, since shortly after my head exploded and all I remember was a deafening ring in my ears that generally only happens after my internal stupid gauge overloads from things I hear others say.

As much as it hurts me to do this: I'll respond to this monologue with my own monologue. Fire with fire. Yep. The effectiveness is staggering, isn't it?

The reason you don't see Asian fighters in UFC is because the moment you put say, a Shaolin Monk in a ring with any MMA meatbag the fight would be over so fast the people who bought the PPV subscription would whine and ask for their money back. Don't get me wrong, the fight could go either way theoretically, but people don't spend money to watch a 1-5 punch fight. People who like UFC are the type of people that want to see people sit stationary on the floor and beat the living hell out of each other for as long as possible before the other guy passes out.

Additionally, while I can't speak for all Asian martial arts, getting knocked down generally means you've been beat. It doesn't mean that you wait for a guy to sit on your chest and continue to pummel you, because ladies and gentlemen, that's not fighting, that's homosexual fist to face rape.

So I guess the choice is up to you. Do you prefer technique, or brute force? Here's a prime example of the first, and should illustrate why UFC is like 2 player football with no ball, and half naked men.